


Lungs

by itsmylifekay



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Army, Lyric fic, M/M, zayn and liam are soldiers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 10:02:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1383424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmylifekay/pseuds/itsmylifekay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically, there was some post I think on tumblr requesting a fic based on the song "Lungs" by Mike Dignam so yeah, here it is.</p>
<p>Or</p>
<p>Zayn and Liam get dragged into a war they never wanted to be a part of and things pretty much go down hill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lungs

**Author's Note:**

> Title of the fic is in fact the title of the song. I do not own the song, blah blah. Hope you enjoy and please, read the warnings, there is character death.

 

“Liam, _Liam_!” Zayn was shrieking, mud and dirt and god knows what else splattered across his face. He pushed at the larger body pinning his down while tears stung hot and heavy against his cheeks. But his arms felt like jelly and the muscled chest above him refused to move, only rocking with the rumbling of earth around them. He had never felt so useless before, and he couldn’t help the frantic edge that had crept into his voice.

Liam managed a small sort of wheeze, lungs throbbing and squeezing and making even the smallest noise nearly impossible, but he did it. His lips, cracked and bloodied, shushed Zayn’s cries. “Zayn…Zayn, listen to me.”

Another tremor went through the ground, sound ringing in Zayn’s ears, and he shook his head, refusing to accept what was so obviously in front of him, staining into the front of his shirt, running into the ground around them.

“Once the raid stops, you’ve got to make a run for it.” Liam forced the words from between his lips, mind going a bit blurry at the edges and his limbs going from heavy to weightless and back again. He knew what was happening, breathing so shallow and heart thudding weakly in his chest, but he had to hold on for just a few more minutes. He had to take care of Zayn.

 

_Listen close before my words are froze_

_Numbness is setting in_

 

“No, no!” Zayn beat frantically at Liam’s chest, hands balled into fists, struggling to free himself but unable to do so, body still weak from shock. “I won’t do it! I won’t-”

“Shhh, Zayn, it’s okay.” Liam hummed, then had to duck down and smother his coughing in Zayn’s dusty brown shirt, spattering it with little specks of red.

Feeling more warmth seep into the fabric, Zayn grabbed at Liam’s head, forcing him up so that he could wipe away the last drops of blood with shaking fingers, fingertips scratching against stubble and dried out skin. The world rocked again and Zayn squeezed his eyes shut, preparing for the blast of sound that was sure to follow, but nothing came except for more of Liam’s quiet hushes. And Zayn realized the ground was still, it was _him_ who was shaking, trembling with the weight of the world suddenly pressed against him.

“Breathe, Zayn. C’mon, you’ve gotta breathe for me.” Liam kept his voice pitched low, aware that the last bomb had dropped minutes ago and a sweep of troops was likely coming their way, fingers balanced and ready on triggers. There wasn’t time. “Zayn, there isn’t time. You have to run.”

 

_Keep control and just breath slow_

_There’s not long before I have to go_

 

Zayn sobbed, a broken sound that burned his throat as much as it did his heart. He clung feebly to the faded green fabric stretched taunt over Liam’s broad shoulders, no longer trying to push away, but tugging closer instead, unwilling to let go. There was an eerie silence all around them with only their breathing to break it, Liam’s dragging and wet while Zayn’s was quick and shallow. Dirt was digging into his back, little stones making his spine twinge, but his arm was slick with the rust colored mud that ran along the bottom of the trench in a tiny, narrow river from one body to the next.

“Liam, please…” He whispered, fingers finding their way into closely shaven hair. “ _Please._ ” His voice broke and his eyes watered and he hated himself, how weak he was. But there was nothing he could do when it felt as though his heart was being torn from his chest.

Liam traced one of Zayn’s eyebrows with a finger, touch feather light, as if he was still afraid to break him. And he smiled that same smile that had always haunted Zayn’s dreams. “I’m sorry…” is all he whispered.

And Zayn felt a part of himself slip away.

 

_Your fragile frame can’t take this pain I know_

 

“I’m sorry, Zayn.” Liam whispered again, lips pressed to Zayn’s temple. His arms curled around Zayn’s shoulders and held him close for a moment, both of their bodies lined up just so. It could’ve been perfect…

The sound of gunshots rang out in the air and both men tensed, breath catching in fear, but the firing was still in the distance, at least for the moment. There was no telling how much time they had.

“You have to go now, run as fast as you can and stay low.” Liam pushed himself up onto an elbow, muscles shaking with the effort, voice wavering slightly as he suppressed the bloody cough that threatened to break past his lips. He reached clumsily to the side and pressed his gun to Zayn’s chest. “Take my supplies, you’ll need them. Now hurry.”

Zayn mutely shook his head, fingers wrapping around the cold object balanced on his chest. He had lost his own gun in one of the earlier explosions…and honestly hadn’t been sad to see it go, even if it was supposed to be his lifeline, pushed into his hands by a screaming sergeant, polished and cleaned and field-checked until his fingers bled. Blood that led to more blood. Pain that led to more pain. He didn’t want that to be his life anymore.

And now with Liam’s gun in his hands, he didn’t know what to do. What to think. This wasn’t his life to throw away, it was a life Liam was asking him to take. He knew he should run, the adrenaline in his veins was screaming at him to move, but his eyes stayed locked with Liam’s, unable to look away. The implications swirled through his mind as the dust in the air finally began to settle.

 

_If you’re losing grip_

_There’s one thing you should know_

_If you're suffocating my lungs will save you_

 

“Liam, I can’t…” He swallowed thickly and tried to push the gun back into Liam’s chest. “You take it. Always were a better shot than me anyway.” He tried to force a smile but failed, eyes glazed with tears and lips trembling.

The look Liam gave him was haunting, the resolve of a defeated man, as he shook his head and curled Zayn’s fingers tighter around the barrel of the gun. “Zayn,” his voice was firm. “Take the gun.” But Zayn was smart enough to read between the lines. To take Liam’s gun was to take his life, his very last chance at defending himself should he survive the bullet that had already tore through his chest. They were both broken soldiers, a man without a gun, and a gun soon to be without a man. Liam was trying to patch Zayn up again, offer what he could of himself so that Zayn could survive. Just like he always had.

His eyes were wide as tears finally slipped free, strict training cracking and falling to pieces beneath the weight of the love he had kept hidden and buried away for years.

“Please, for me.” Liam begged, burying his head in Zayn’s neck, fingers shaking as they held Zayn’s in place. “Please.”

Zayn swallowed. “Okay.” And his hands tightened on cool metal, allowing Liam’s to wrap around his waist instead. “Okay.”

 

_I’ll give my dying breath_

_I hope you’d take it if it means I don't make it_

 

Everything was growing dimmer around him. The pain that shot sharp and hot and searing through his chest clouded his mind, leaving Liam to cling to whatever part of Zayn he could find. Just one more moment, just another moment to memorize this man beside him before he let everything go. He had to make sure Zayn was safe, that he was ready, so that he could leave without regrets.

He had to make sure Zayn would listen. That he would take the gun and get as far away from this place as possible. If he knew that…knew that Zayn was out there with a chance, with a hope for a new life away from all of this horror. He could die happy then.

The extra insurance of Zayn’s survival was worth so much more than the small comfort his gun could offer in his final moments. Nothing short of a miracle could save him now, but with Zayn it would only be a small mercy to make it out alive.

And out of anyone Liam had ever met, it was Zayn who deserved that chance.

 

_I’d rather drown knowing you’re safe and sound_

 

//The fire crackled in front of them, sending up sparks of light into the darkness, floating to join the stars hung up above them, all soft light and smoky air. Liam prodded at the smoldering branches with the walking stick he had picked up during the day, glancing over his shoulder at Zayn’s hunched form, smiling when Zayn met his gaze. “What’s on the menu tonight, then?”

“Canned beans, stale as fuck bread, and the last of the bottle of whiskey we picked up a few towns back.” He walked over to where Liam was sitting and tossed the can down into Liam’s waiting hands.

Liam looked up at him with a playful glint in his eyes. “And for dessert?”

“Well…” Zayn hummed, moving to stand between Liam and the fire, profile lit by the flickering flame, making him look stunningly exotic against the backdrop of shimmering stars. Sometimes Liam still couldn’t believe his luck, that they were here together, that this man was his.

As if reading his mind, Zayn turned and swung one leg over Liam’s thighs, all graceful movements as he sunk down into Liam’s lap and nuzzled their faces together. “You can always have me, Liam. You know that.”

Pressing a kiss to Zayn’s temple, Liam smiled into the soft black hair tickling at his nose, squeezing his arms around the lithe body pressed against his chest. The same body he had found so broken and bloody at the side of the road, used up and left behind by one of the traveling units ravaging the countryside.

As his hands made slow passes up and down Zayn’s back, foreign words were whispered in his ear, Zayn’s voice lilting over unknown syllables and filling the night with a kind of magic Liam would never understand. And the kind he would never forget.\\\

 

_When love was young and we were strong_

_It felt like I gave you life_

 

// Zayn’s breath was catching, coming out in heaving pants as he forced his way through the thick branches in front of him, as if they too were trying to stop his escape. The sound of heavy footfalls had his heart pounding and he bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from screaming out Liam’s name. He burst into a clearing and nearly stumbled at the sudden change in terrain, feet catching in tall grass before pushing forward again.

A hand caught on his arm and he swung around, fist already raised, but found himself thrown to the ground instead, a rifle trained steadily on his face. He felt terror grip his throat. He was going to die, or worse, be forced to fight a war he didn’t believe in, didn’t want. He shut his eyes and dug his fingers into the grass, making a fist again and gathering his resolve. He’d rather be dead than live that way…live a life with blood and pain and no Liam by his side. Because he had seen, the way the rifle had connected with Liam’s temple, sent him to the ground with a dull thud that had reverberated through his very bones. The image was forever burned into his mind.

His muscles twitched, preparing to spring, when suddenly a group of birds burst from the trees far in the distance, back the way he had come, fleeing from a yell that rang even into the clearing, filling Zayn’s ears and his heart. His body went slack.

Liam was alive.

They were probably trying to drag him away now, and he could imagine the panic that would be in Liam’s eyes, the horror on his face as he realized Zayn was nowhere to be found. But it wouldn’t be there for long. He would go to Liam. They could escape again, when they were together.

He raised his eyes to meet those of his pursuer, lifting his hands in a gesture of surrender before slowly raising to his feet. A gun pressed into his back and he stumbled forward, keeping his foot moving one after the other. One step closer to Liam, one step closer....

He had never suspected that the next time he saw Liam it would be through the barrel of a gun, marked as a target by the shirt on his back and the insignia emblazoned on his rifle.

His finger had twitched on the trigger, his heart squeezing in his chest, the pain of so many years culminating in a moment of horrified shock.

And then the tension broke with one deafening shot.

Hell broke loose, and when Zayn looked up again, Liam was gone.\\\

 

_Now we’re pulled by the tide on separate sides_

_But the water that connects us remains_

 

// It had been months before he had next gotten a glimpse of those soft brown eyes, but with an added glint to them that Zayn knew all too well. He could see it in his own face whenever he looked in a mirror.

They had been deep in the woods, trees dense around them and making it nearly impossible to see more than a few yards ahead. Troops were scattered indiscriminately throughout the area, told to shoot anything that moved, and Zayn could hear his heart thundering in his chest. A twig snapped to his left and he swung around, rifle aimed and ready, only to be jerked to the side moments later as a body slammed into his. An aimless bullet gouged into a tree a few yards over as Zayn scrambled to get free, unsure if the body pining his to the ground was dead or alive, enemy or ally.

Strong hands had his wrists pinned in place in seconds, thighs bracketing his waist and holding him to the ground. He squeezed his eyes shut and turned his face into the leaves blanketing the forest floor, trying to think of what he could do. He couldn’t die yet. Not when Liam was still out there. Maybe if he didn’t fight they would take him alive.

He would just have to give in…again.

“Zayn?”

All of the breath left his lungs in a rush, and his eyes snapped open, locking onto the face hovering just above his own.

“I- Wh-”

“Zayn,” Liam whispered, eyes growing warmer as he released his vice-like grip on Zayn’s body, leaning down to scoop Zayn into his arms instead. “ _Zayn._ ”

Zayn’s fingers clutched at the fabric of Liam’s shirt as he drug in shaky breaths, inhaling the smell of dirt and blood and _Liam._ His Liam. Finally back again.

“Liam, how-what-” Zayn pushed at Liam’s shoulders until he could lean back enough to cup his face in his hands. “What’re you doing here?”

Liam looked down at his chest and Zayn followed the motion, sucking in a breath when he noticed the contrast of their clothing (he had hoped his last sighting had been some kind of nightmare).

 

 

_Each time we try we always end up sinking_

_Two can’t survive on one air supply_

 

“It’s okay,” Liam murmured, thumbs stroking firm paths against Zayn’s back. “I won’t hurt you. Could never hurt you.”

“Liam, I-” Zayn began, cut off by the sharp bang-crack of a shot. A very close shot.

Liam’s head snapped to the side and he shoved Zayn back to the ground, pushing him into the leaves as he reached for his gun and crept forward. Another shot was fired, so close Zayn could feel the ringing in his ears moments later, and he could only watch in horror as Liam disappeared into the foliage, lips pursed as he whistled out some kind of call.

Seconds later, another whistle answered. Zayn blew out a breath.

“Payne? That you?”

Zayn froze. The voice was close. Just a few yards away, matched by flashes of movement in the green maze.

“Yeah, it’s me. What’s up?”

“I swear I saw one of those rebels run this way. I’m trying to root him out.”

Liam hummed. “Really? Because I just came from that way and didn’t run into a soul. I was coming back out to try and sweep a different area.”

There was a long pause and Zayn didn’t dare breathe. If the other man decided to come investigate, even just peered through the trees and spotted Zayn still frozen where Liam had left him, they would both surely be killed. Him, for being the enemy, and Liam for being a traitor.

“You calling me a liar?”

“No,” Liam calmly began. “Just saying that they’ve probably ran off by now, especially with the shots you’ve been firing. They’re probably in retreat.”

The other man grunted. “Yeah, I guess. Well let’s go then.”

Liam had apparently appeared indecisive because the man added, “Unless you no longer want to be of service to your country, in which case I can put you out of commission right now.”

“Just thinking of which direction to head in.” Liam explained, statement punctuated by the rustling of leaves that marked their departure.

And Zayn didn’t know how long he had sat there afterwards, frozen in place on the ground, unable to move as he kept replaying the scene in his head.

Liam had been so close. He had held him in his arms. And he had been saved, again, by the man he loved and been able to offer nothing in return.

His heart throbbed painfully in his chest and he forced himself to his feet, clutching his gun tightly to his chest as he slunk through the trees and back to camp.

He was always just a liability to Liam, nothing else.\\\

 

_If you're suffocating my lungs will save you_

 

He was still a liability. Even with Liam dying, his last breaths were asking Zayn to run, telling him to be safe. His last action was pushing his gun into Zayn’s hands. It was too much to take. Zayn couldn’t do it. Couldn’t bring himself to be that kind of person to Liam any longer.

“No,” he murmured, shaking his head and pushing the gun to the side, wrapping Liam tightly in his arms and tugging the weakened man into his chest. “No, Liam. Please. Please don’t make me leave you.”

Liam coughed violently at the sudden movement, head swimming as his heart beat frantically in panic. “You have to, Zayn. Have to.”

“No,” Zayn said again. “I don’t have to. I don’t want to do this anymore. If you die, I’m dying with you. I don’t care about living if you’re not with me.” He knew he sounded pathetic but honestly he couldn’t give a shit anymore. He’d chosen to live this horrible kind of life in the hope of seeing Liam again, had kept going for the same reason. There was truly nothing left for him if Liam died.

“Zayn,” Liam breathed. “Please,” his voice cracked and everything was so painful, from the hole in his chest and the bullet in his flesh. “Please.” He coughed. Blood splattered across the front of Zayn’s shirt and down his chin. He felt so useless, like a child who could only make a mess as he plead to get his way.

Zayn pressed Liam’s face to his neck and rubbed his fingers across heated skin, dipping beneath Liam’s collar to knead at the tense muscles there. He rocked them gently. “It’s okay, Liam. Shhh.”

The image of his blood trickling down Zayn’s skin and to the ground was Liam’s last sight before his hazy eyes slid shut. Zayn continued to rock them and Liam let his mind drift. He had to think of something but everything was so heavy, weighed down by the mist sliding slowly over his body.

 

_I’ll give my dying breath_

_I hope you’d take it if it means I don't make it_

 

He had to think of something…for Zayn…

Had to…

Something…

 

_I’d rather drown knowing you’re safe and sound_

_There’s no time left for us so go_

 

Liam was wrenched back into consciousness by the sound of nearby gunfire, shouts and curses, boots crunching over tortured ground. He suppressed a cough into Zayn’s shoulder and whispered hoarsely into the dirt, “Zayn, they’re coming.”

“I know,” Zayn whispered back. Liam’s back was strong and warm beneath his hands, dying his palms red as he rubbed them up and down the broad expanse. “It’s alright.”

“No,” Liam snapped, immediately breaking down into wet sounding coughs that left Zayn’s neck feeling warm and sticky. “Zayn, _please._ ”

Zayn clutched Liam tighter, trying to get him to calm down. He was already wounded and in a lot of pain, the last thing he needed was to be talking and aggravating his injuries. “Liam, I-”

“Hey, has anyone checked this hole over here?” A voice cut him off. Liam stiffened on top of him and Zayn sucked in a breath.

“Don’t move,” Liam managed to hiss, shoving his head into Zayn’s so that Zayn’s face was pressed into the ground.

Liam drug his body over the top of Zayn’s, covering his smaller frame and crushing him into the mud before splaying out, as if he’d been shot and fallen on top of another body. He could only pray no one would come down to check…or decide to use their bodies for target practice.

“No,” Another voice answered before boots crunched closer. “Just more dead,” they sneered, then spit down into the dirt. “Fucking rats.”

“Hey, I think one of ours is down there.”

“What?”

Liam willed them away with all his might. His muscles were starting to quiver from the strain of holding back the bloody coughs that wanted to break free.

“One of ours, see the green shirt?”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, just looks darker because of all the blood.”

“Well, not like we can do anything, right?” The man laughed. “Dead is dead.”

“Yeah, guess so. Moving on then?”

The man grunted in response and the pair walked away.

 

_Don't think, just leave me here on my own_

 

They stayed frozen in petrified silence minutes after the last sounds of footfalls had faded away. Finally, Liam broke down and coughed brokenly into the mud in front of him, not even having the strength to turn his face away from the proceeding wetness. But Zayn was there moments later, wriggling out from beneath him and flipping him onto his back. He hacked even harder until Zayn got the hint and rolled him onto his side, slipping beside him moments later and running anxious fingers along his face. His Zayn, always so beautiful.

“Liam, stay awake. You have to stay awake.” Liam’s eyes drooped anyway and a firm hand smacked across his face. “Don’t you die on me, Liam. Don’t you dare.”

Beautiful _and_ bossy.

Liam laughed weakly. “Afraid that’s out of my control, babe.”

“No, Liam. You have to fight it. Just- Just stay awake and I’ll figure something out, yeah?” Zayn frantically scrambled to pull at his shirt, hoping to fix up some kind of bandage for Liam’s chest. First, he’d have to check to make sure the bullet was out. Then he’d have to go from there. He could only hope it had gone cleanly through because he had no idea how he’d go about removing it in this filth.

“Zayn,” Liam sighed, looking fondly up at Zayn from where his head was lolling weakly in the mud. “Babe. Love you, yeah?”

Zayn didn’t realize he’d started crying until he felt wetness splash against his skin. “Love you too, Liam. That’s why you’ve got to stay with me.”

“Can’t, want to, but I can’t.” Liam’s eyes fell shut again but he forced them open to meet Zayn’s pained expression. “Got to let me go, love. Got to say goodbye…” he coughed weakly, blood dribbling slowly out of the corner of his mouth. “Say goodbye…then get the hell out of here.”

 

_Be honest with yourself there’s nothing left here_

 

Zayn shook his head and wiped furiously at his eyes. “No, please Liam. Don’t ask me to do that. Please.”

Liam nodded slowly. “Alright, alright Zayn. Come hold me then?” He worked to lift one of his arms and Zayn immediately crawled closer and curled into his chest. He was a beautiful mess of contradictions, Zayn. He was hazel eyes marred by tears, smooth chest smeared with blood that was not his own.

Zayn clung to him and buried his face in the junction between Liam’s neck and shoulder, breathing in what he could of his lover’s scent between the stifled sobs. “Why?” he whispered. “Why did this have to happen?”

Liam didn’t have an answer to that, so he stayed silent.

“What’s the point of this fucking war?”

He didn’t have an answer to that either, but he decided to say something anyway. “Don’t know,” Liam mumbled. “But I wouldn’t change it.”

Zayn sucked in a breath. “What? Liam you’re fucking dy-, you’ve been fucking shot.”

“Yeah,” Liam laughed, smiling weakly before dipping his head to press a kiss to Zayn’s cheek. “But I met you, didn’t I?”

“Idiot.” Zayn muttered, smiling through his own tears as he drug Liam closer. “You stupid, stupid idiot.”

“Maybe.” Liam said. But the truth was, even if he could change their fate he wouldn’t. He would die a thousand times over, die in agony in the mud as many times as the universe would desire, so long as he could meet Zayn every time.

So he resolved not to regret a thing in his final moments, except that he had to leave Zayn behind.

 

_We can’t change where fate has brought us_

_We can’t be saved from these waters_

 

Silence fell between them as Liam’s breaths gradually came farther and farther apart and the puddle around them grew larger and larger. The grass was swaying gently up above them in the evening wind and the bodies of the dead acted as grim reminders of their shattered reality.

Finally, Liam drew in a shaking breath. “Love you, Zayn. Forever.” And with his last bit of strength he drew Zayn into a kiss, one calloused palm balanced against Zayn’s cheek.

Zayn kissed him back, their lips tainted with blood and tears, kept kissing him even after Liam grew still. Kissed him through sobs and tears that blurred his vision into nothingness.

“Love you too,” he whispered, finally pulling back and tracing careful fingers over Liam’s still face. Then, when his body threatened to break down into sobs again, he turned away and felt a sharp jab in his back. Craning his neck to see what he’d hit, he was once again overcome by tears at the sight of Liam’s gun resting behind him, loosely gripped in Liam’s now unmoving hand.

To the very end, Liam had hoped Zayn would choose to live.

Letting out another beaten sob, he took the gun carefully from Liam’s hold, pressing it to his chest before collapsing back on top of Liam’s prone form.

“You fucking idiot,” he wept. “Don’t make me live without you, don’t do that to me.”

But the gun in his hands left him no other choice.

If his life was Liam’s dying wish, then goddamnit he was going to live the best fucking life he could.

 

_If you're suffocating my lungs will save you_

_I’ll give my dying breath_

_I hope you’d take it if it means I don't make it_

 

Pulling himself up out of the crater, he threw the strap of Liam’s gun over his shoulder and took a step into the open grasses. Night was falling and a beautiful mixture of pinks and oranges were brushed across the sky, the moon a hazy orb teasing at the horizon.

Behind him, his shirt fluttered in the slight breeze, straining to break away from the gun barrel he had tied it to, marking a mound of fresh dirt in a hole filled with death and sorrow. He had buried his heart there, but he forced the rest of his body to keep going.

He took another step forward and could feel the phantom warmth of Liam’s hand on his shoulder, urging him onwards.

“Forever, Liam.” He murmured, adjusting the gun at his side before slipping into the forest and out of sight.

 

_I’d rather drown knowing you’re safe and sound_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
